Today

Dear Eli,

Today I went back to work. Like... for real went back to work.  Last night, as the sun went down on the last few moments of our first summer together, I took this picture:

You laughed as we waited for daddy to finish running. You rolled over again and again and again, but as I soon as I got the video camera out, you stopped. Little stinker! I wanted to soak up as much as I could of you because I knew that today, I would leave you.


Sure, I've taken you to the babysitter before, but it was never "for real." I went back for a few days at the end of the school year, but then I knew there was summer to look forward to. I dropped you off occasionally for this reason or that, but I knew I wouldn't be gone long.

Today was different.

Today I knew our "all-day-every-day" time together was over.

Today I fought back tears that surely were to come.

Today I was sad.

Your daddy and I talked last night. We were musing about this school year to come, and how, in the past, we had always wished the school year to go quickly because we wanted to get back to the summertime. However, we both agreed that this year was different. How could we wish this school year away when we know that next summer you'll be so different? You'll be a little boy... no longer a baby. What will you be like, Eli? You'll probably be walking; maybe even running. Maybe you'll have started talking by next summer. What words will you know? Will you say Mama? PLEASE SAY MAMA! The bottom line is that while I want so badly to get back to our "all-day-every-day" time together, I know that only comes with you getting older.

And I don't want you to grow up.

Ok... of course I want you to grow up... I certainly don't want the alternative... but it's hard. You've already outgrown your "little bitty babyness" and while I love to see how you've changed, it makes me sad to know that there are aspects of your tiny self that you've left behind. 

You know what I realized I miss? Feeding you in the middle of the night. Don't get me wrong, I love to sleep. I love that you're allowing me to sleep... but there was something special about spending those few quiet moments with you. The rest of the world was asleep, and it was just you and me.

One day when you're older, you'll catch me staring at you. You'll describe my look as "weird," but really, it's just wistful.  Just know that there has never been a day that you have not been loved, and while I can't wait to see what you become, I already dread the day that you will leave.

I love you to the moon and back, Eli James.

Love,

Mommy